Boobs, Milk and Bonding

Today, I concluded that there is a complete difference in the way I bond with my first born compared to the way that I bond with my youngest daughter. I think that I can attribute this difference to the fact that I breastfed my youngest, but, I wasn’t able to breastfeed my firstborn.

I remember when my firstborn made her arrival into this world. It was so stressful but thanks to a very supportive staff, I was able to get through it without issue and leave the hospital on time. Situations at home though, caused major stress and I feel as a result, my milk wasn’t coming down and I felt defeated. I think that my negative attitude towards the whole ordeal probably threw her off too. She was having some latch issues and it sucked. I had done enough reading to know that it is not supposed to be painful to breastfeed. When she did have a good latch, it seemed like she could sense that I wasn’t calm, and she would just scream and cry and didn’t want to latch at all. I wanted so badly to breastfeed. I wanted her to have the best. But I accepted defeat and gave her formula. I have heard others say that fed is best and not to get so worked up about it. At least she ate, right? But there is still a part of me that really wishes I could give it another shot and just be patient. The way that I bonded with my firstborn was still special and by no means am I saying that there isn’t anything special about it. I always kept her attached to me in a carrier, I sang her songs, and since I couldn’t breastfeed, I did the next best thing and kept her close to my chest and fed her through a bottle. She is 4, secure and besides waking up in the middle of the night to find me if I am not in the room where she is sleeping, she loves showing how independent she can be.

Now, my youngest daughter who is now two, is so different. I had the support of my doula and a lactation consultant and she was breastfed for 18 months. 18 months!! She loved it and probably would STILL be feeding this way if I hadn’t forced her to wean. There was something that I noticed and still notice now. The look on her face when she fed… how she had to look into my eyes and it was such a loving gaze. Maybe it was just me, but it felt deeper than the look on my first born. The sounds she made when she ate… every feeding was more satisfying than when I bottle fed my older daughter.

My theory on this is that breastfeeding is a learning process. You are already on alert and really in tune with your baby; Looking for hunger cues, making sure they are still breathing, checking for dirty diapers, how are they sleeping… so imagine when you are breastfeeding, you are going to be looking for things that tell you you’re doing it right. You want to see that they are latching on correctly, that they are suckling deeply and getting a good amount of milk with each feeding. You want to see that they are satisfied after each feeding. Once you have gotten passed the learning curve and you and baby have gotten into sync, its like the reward centers in the brain activate. You are doing it right! Aww, look at that cute baby. So glad they are full. You begin to look forward to those feedings just like your baby. The bond is so deep. And let’s not forget those days when you are away from baby and forgot to pump so you come home to baby engorged and just ready to feed. The both of you are so excited and ready to spend that time to relieve yourselves of hunger and engorgement. You are working together. Bonding together and the exchange is healing. Its amazing. I believe that the small rewards that come from this bonding/feeding time last way after weaning and its because we are so aware. (I hope this makes sense to someone.)

So now, I currently watching my youngest eat and she is a definite foodie. So tiny yet she has a big appetite. I find myself loving to watch her eat still. We haven’t breastfed in over a year now, (I think?) but I still love it. The way her cheeks puff up and the way she chews her food. The way she is holding her food. A little bit of me is in awe of her learning these motor skills and the other part of me is just feeling her innocent satisfaction with her meal. I find myself genuinely happy to see her get her fill and the thing that’s strange is it isn’t like that as much for my older child. I bet it would be different if I had the chance to breastfeed her.

If you have ever been on the fence or wondered what it felt like when you see someone breastfeeding. I can tell you that it is not easy all the time, but it is something that is amazing. And now that I have weaned her, I find myself missing that bonding time. You take It for granted when you are tired, and baby is needing a feed or when you are in public and the baby has just exposed you to the whole world because they want to eat. When you get the chance to breastfeed your baby, don’t take it for granted. Don’t curse the time that you are going to have to spend. One day, you will look back and find yourself wishing that you can remember the bond. Holding on to the memories of those moments because they are gone as soon as they came. Breastfeeding is powerful. Not just in the bonding aspect but it also has the power to help fight depression (read it again. I didn’t say that it can cure depression or clinically treat the condition, but for me, it was a mental boost… a pick me up.) Another thing that I would suggest is even if you have researched every website regarding breastfeeding and the anatomy of the breast, STILL take the time to go to a breastfeeding education class. It is only a short amount of time that is well needed. You will have a better understanding of what you are in for.

Whelp, that’s it! I thank you so much for stopping by!

What are your experiences with breastfeeding? Did you find this blog insightful? Sound off!